Final Fantasy X: The Untold Stories
by SephyInABox
Summary: Originally Eat This! Short lil' weird oneshots all put into one. FFX characters in bizzare situations. It will make you feel happy and quite possibly disturbed. Sense of humor is needed. Regular story format starts on chapter 3! ::CHAPTER 3 ADDED!::
1. Eat This!

Damn finals. Make me sit 2 hours starving to death in a sleep-deprived non-existent sugar-induced state of hyper-ness in the freezing cold library, will you?! This is what you get! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy X belongs to Square-Enix.

Note: {…} = action

**Eat this!**

_Player_: Ha! Think using Curaga's gonna help?! Take this! Yuna, use reflect!

_Yuna_: {casts reflect on Yu Yevon}

_Tidus_: Nice one, Yuna! {gives Yuna a thumbs up}

_Yuna_: {blushes} Thank you.

_Auron_: Enough talk! {attacks Yu Yevon} {misses} Damn!

_Lulu_: May I?

_Auron_: {switches with Lulu}

_Player_: Well, since physical attacks miss him, I'll use an Ultima spell! MWAHAHAHA! Go Lulu!

_Lulu_: When did this game all of a sudden become Pokémon? {sigh} {casts Ultima on Yu Yevon}

_Yu_ _Yevon_: {in pain} Ow.

_Player_: {looks at CTB} Oh no! Yu Yevon's turn is right after Tidus!

_Tidus_: I can take him! {charges}

_Player_: Oh no you don't! {quickly switches Tidus with Kimarhi}

_Kimarhi_: {smiles}

_Tidus_: Damnit! Damnit! Damn the lack of swears in Square-Enix games! Damnit!

_Player_: Kimarhi! Use Mighty Guard since that's all you're really good for!

_Kimarhi_: {smiles} {casts Mighty Guard on party}

_Yuna_: Thank you, Kimarhi.

_Kimarhi_: {smiles}

_Yu_ _Yevon_: {casts Ultima on party}

_Party_: {damage decreased my Mighty Guard}

_Player_: All right! Now it's Yuna's turn again! Now, what spell? I've seen Ultima way too may times already, plus the animation's a pain in the ass to sit through. {light bulb} All right Yu Yevon! Eat Holy…

_Yuna_: {casts Holy}

_Yu_ _Yevon_: {reflects}

_Player_: SHIT!

_Auron_, _Tidus_, and _Wakka_: Did you just say "Eat holy shit?"

_Kimarhi_: {smiles} Save some for Kimarhi!

_Auron_, _Tidus_, and _Wakka_: What?!

_Rikku_: Ewwwww!

_Lulu_ and _Yuna_: Oh my! {covers mouth} {blushes}

_Holy_ _spell_: {still reflecting off Yu Yevon}

_Kimarhi_: {smiles}

_Everyone_ _else_: {is disturbed}

_Holy_ _spell_: {pummels Yuna}

_Yuna_: {spazes} {is KO'ed}

_Tidus_: YUNA!

_Yuna_: {is revived by Auto-Life} Yes?

_Tidus_: Um… you landed in dog crap…

_Rikku_ and _Lulu_: {gasp} Oh my! {covers mouth}

_Yuna_: {gasp} My, how did this get here, I wonder. {indicating the dog crap}

_Yu_ _Yevon_: {blushes}

_Everyone_ _else_: Ewwwwww…!

**This is the letter I wrote my friends during my last moments… in the library.**

Dear Friends,

You see, this is what happens when one is in a sleep-deprived non-existent sugar-induced state of hyper-ness. To make mallers worse, I'm stuck in the library because my dad wouldn't let me stay home. By the way, I forgot to cross the T's in "matters" in the sentence before.

I am very hungry. I am starving. I am famished. Oh, what I would give for a lifesaver to choke on. That'll take care of two of my problems: my hunger and my existence in the library. My stomach growls with such intensity… I need food!

My hands are freezing cold. It's like I walked into a McDonalds' walk-in freezer and stayed for the night. That usually means I'm nervous. That also means the librarians should lower the AC a bit. Damnit, this place _is_ a walk-in freezer. Just put a McDonalds' sign at the door!

In case anyone's wondering about the sudden dog crap in the story, it's all thanks to Naruto for stepping in dog crap twice in one day for me.

Ya know, I could write a will and give stuff to people like Ellen did, but I think I can survive another 45 minutes in here… before I pass out from starvation and freeze to death 'cause it's only 20 freaking degrees in here! Glad I decided to take a sweater in 70 degree weather, but I'm still freezing! {feels cold breeze} Oh, sweet MERCY! Make it STOP! AHHHHHHH!

It's really quiet in here. It's too quiet. I heard someone call my name. I heard someone call my name. I heard someone call my name. _I heard someone call my name. I heard someone call my name._

NOT ALONE

**Author's note:** Yeah, so that was my 2 hours in the library. Like the Gothika-ness at the end? Review and tell me if you think I'm sane and if you think I can stand another 2 hours of that on Thursday. Thanks. Onegai shimasu!


	2. Vocal Conflict

First it's being trapped in a freezing cold library, now it's being trapped in my own home. What next?! Long story short, found FFX Vocal Collection and just wondered. Hope you enjoy.

Damn FanFiction _dot_ Net. Deleting all those spiffy things like asterisks and brackets. I apologize if the "action sequences" are a little hard to read. I tried to make them stand out as much as possible.

BTW, I'm too lazy to look. Is it "Kimarhi" or "Kimahri?" Damn, he really is annoying.

::_italics_:: - action

* * *

****

**Final Fantasy X: Vocal Conflict**

**_Auron_**: I refuse.

**_Producer_**: C'mon Auron, everybody else is doing it.

**_Auron_**: That is _not_ an excuse. This is preposterous. ::_turns to leave_::

**_Producer_**: ::_grabs Auron's sleeve_:: Please Auron! My career is riding on you!

**_Auron_**: ::_points Masamune at Producer's throat_:: Let. Go. Now.

**_Yuna_**: Sir Auron… if you would please, just for a moment, aid us once more? ::_bows_::

**_Tidus_**: Yeah, c'mon Auron. You're supposed to be Yuna's guardian. Aren't you gonna help her?

**_Auron_**: She does not need my guidance here.

**_Producer_**: PLEASE AURON! I BEG OF YOU! ::_on knees, begging_::

**_Auron_**: No. ::_leaving_::

**_Producer_**: Even Kimahri's doing it!

**_Kimahri_**: ::_smiles_::

**_Auron_**: ::_looks at Kimahri_:: I'm sorry, old friend, but _hell_ no.

**_Lulu_**: I know my cry for help isn't gonna do much, but aw well. ::_turns to Auron_:: ::_in a very seductive voice_:: Please Sir Auron… for me? ::_leans down_:: ::_jiggle_::

**_Wakka_**: ::_eyes bulge out_::

**_Auron_**: ::_blush_:: ::_looks away_:: That's not going to affect me. I'm dead, remember?

**_Tidus_**: Yeah, well so am I… kinda, and you don't see me complaining.

**_Rikku_**: C'mon, Auron. We all know you have a great voice in there somewhere. ::_nudges Auron with elbow_::

**_Auron_**: Rikku. Stop it. ::_Still leaving_::

**_Kimahri_**: ::_puts hand (paw?) on Auron's shoulder_:: Kimahri do Auron favor. ::_indicating Yuna_:: Now Auron do Kimahri favor.

**_Auron_**: ::_looks Kimahri in the eye_:: ::_sigh_::

Ten minutes later… In the studio… Poor Auron…

**_Auron_**: Well, I'm here. What am I supposed to do?

**_Producer_**: Sing, of course.

**_Auron_**: ::_quick turn_::

**_Kimahri_**: ::_puts hand on Auron's shoulder_:: ::_smiles_::

**_Auron_**: ::_looks at Kimahri_:: ::_shudder_:: Kimahri. Don't do that.

**_Kimahri_**: ::_removes hand_::

**_Producer_**: Well, who wants to go first?

**_Rikku_**: Ooh! I do! Pick me!

**_Producer_**: OK, Rikku. Pick your song.

**_Rikku_**: Hmmm… ::_looks over list of songs_:: It's either "All the Way" or "Get Happy." I can't decide! Grrrr…

Five minutes later…

**_Rikku_**: "All the Way" or "Get Happy." "All the Way" or "Get Happy." ::_weighs decision with hands_:: "All the Way." ::_left hand goes up, right hand goes down_:: "Get Happy." ::_right hand goes up, left hand goes down_::

**_Producer_**: … OK, has anyone picked a song already who would like to go first.

**_Tidus_**: I got one! ::_does that fist pumping thing_::

After Tidus, Yuna, Lulu, Wakka, and Rikku sings…

**_Rikku_**: Hey, that wasn't too bad, eh Auron? ::_smiles sweetly_::

**_Auron_**: …

**_Lulu_**: I think we did a great job, don't you think so too, Yuna?

**_Yuna_**: ::_blush_:: Um, well… I hope so. That was really… my first attempt at singing.

**_Tidus_**: And you were great! ::_does that fist pumping action he usually does_::

**_Wakka_**: Did everyone go?

**_Auron_**: ::_steps back quietly_::

**_Everyone_**_ **else**_: ::_looks at Auron_::

**_Kimahri_**: ::_smiles_::

A very productive 5 minutes later…

**_Tidus_**: ::_panting_:: Wow, so _that's_ why Auron's such a famous guardian.

**_Wakka_**: Yeah! Sir Auron's the best! But geez, we fought a lot of famous people during Yuna's pilgrimage… Maester Seymour, Lady Yunalesca, Sir Jecht, Sin, and now Sir Auron! What next, ya? The star player of the Zanarkand Abes?

**_Tidus_**: ::_imitating that Gary Coleman from Diff'rent Strokes_:: Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Wakka?

**_Wakka_**: Nothing.

**_Auron_**: Let me out of this booth! I refuse to sing. This is ludicrous!

**_Lulu_**: Sir Auron, it's only for a little while. We all sang, now it's your turn.

**_Auron_**: I said it many times already. I will not repeat myself again. I. Will. Not. Sing.

**_Producer_**: Auron! Please! Everyone else did! It won't be a "Final Fantasy X Vocal Collection" without your voice in it!

**_Yuna_**: Well… how about a compromise?

**_Everyone_**_ **else**_: Huh?

Scene fades into blackness. A few seconds later, the scene fades into… clearness!

**_Rikku_**: Yunie! You're a genius!

**_Tidus_**: Yeah, Yuna! That's a great idea! ::_does that fist pumping thing_::

**_Kimarhi_**: ::_smiles_::

**_Tidus_**: Um, Kimarhi? Yuna's pilgrimage is over. I don't think she'll mind if you stop with the smiling now. It's getting kinda creepy, you know?

**_Kimarhi_**: ::_ignore_:: ::_crosses arms_:: ::_smiles_::

**_Tidus_**: Um… Kimarhi? ::_gets in Kimarhi's face_:: Hey, hello…? ::_waves hands in front of Kimarhi's face_::

**_Kimarhi_**: ::_smile fades_:: ::_glares at Tidus_::

**_Tidus_**: Er… I mean, never mind. ::_holds hands up in defense_:: You can smile as much as you want, big guy. Heh, heh…

**_Lulu_**: Well, Sir Auron? What do you say? Give Yuna's idea a try.

**_Auron_**: …

**_Wakka_**: Hey, Sir Auron. If you do this for us, I'll… uh… teach you how to blitz, ya?

**_Auron_**: I'm sorry, that doesn't interest me. Now let me out of here!

**_Yuna_**: ::sigh:: Sir Auron, you don't even have to sing now. Please, it will only take a few minutes.

**_Auron_**: No.

**_Rikku_**: Hmmm… ::_in thinking pose_:: ::_snaps_:: I have an idea! Everyone except Meanie over there, gather 'round!

Screen fades into blackness… and fades into… a sake bottle?!

**_Rikku_**: ::_whisper, whisper_:: Yup! My plan'll work for sure. He'll be sure to sing. EVERYONE sings when they're like that!

**_Tidus_**: And how would you know, Rikku? ::_raises brow_:: Aren't you only 15?

**_Rikku_**: Um… eh, Brother showed me too many movies? Heh, heh…

**_Tidus_**: ::_sigh_:: Never mind.

**_Lulu_**: Is there no other way? This seems rather juvenile.

**_Producer_**: While that may be true, being juvenile is the only way we'll catch him off guard.

**_Yuna_**: I say we do it!

**_Everyone_**_ **else**_: Huh?!

**_Wakka_**: Erm, Yuna? You feeling alright, ya?

**_Yuna_**: Yes, I'm fine, Wakka. I just… want to get this over with, before I begin to have doubts, you know?

**_Tidus_**: Yuna's got a point. Just do it now and save the thinking for later… like when he's really mad.

**_Rikku_**: All right! Everyone knows the plan, right?

**_Everyone_**_ **else**_: ::_nods_::

**_Rikku_**: Then let's get it on! ::_jumps_::

Back with Auron in the locked booth…

**_Auron_**: I can't break out of here with Masamune being outside. The door's reinforced so I can't break it with my bare fists. My black magic spells are weak, therefore serve no use. And worst of all, I ain't got no boo—I mean… my bottle of sake which I use to perform my Overdrive Banishing Blade is not with me at the moment. ::_mumble, mumble_:: Damn Squaresoft people for being so damn creative. When I find out whoever thought up the idea for a Final Fantasy X Vocal Collection, I'm going to—

**_Yuna_**_, **Rikku**, and **Lulu**_: Oh, Sir Auuuuurrron…

**_Auron_**: ::_stares at the girls_:: Hm? ::_raised brow_::

**_Rikku_**: ::_holds up bottle of sake_:: ::_smiles_:: ::_holds the sake higher_::

**_Auron_**: ::_eyes widen_::

**_Kimarhi_**: ::_smiles_::

**_Auron_**: You wouldn't…

**_Rikku_**: ::_smile grows wider_:: ::_nods slowly_::

**_Auron_**: N-N-N… ::_slow motion_:: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

**_Rikku_**: ::_nods_:: ::_slow motion_:: YYYEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS…

**_Auron_**: ::_shakes head_:: ::_still slow motion_:: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! ::_holds hand out_::

One hour later…

**_Rikku_**: See Auron, that wasn't so bad. And you didn't even have to sing, like Yuna said.

**_Auron_**: Tch… you probably would have done something more drastic if I hadn't. ::_hugs sake_::

**_Tidus_**: So booze really is the great Sir Auron's weakness after all. Nice thinking Rikku.

**_Auron_**: Our work is done, can we leave?

**_Producer_**: Sure, sure. Thanks a bunch you guys. You saved my career. ::_bows_::

**_Yuna_**: Oh, it was our pleasure. ::_bows back_::

**_Auron_**: …

**_Wakka_**: So, uh… I guess we're going back to Besaid? I did promise Sir Auron that I'd teach him how to blitz 'n all.

**_Tidus_**: Yeah! Can't wait to see this old guy in action! ::_pumps fist_::

**_Lulu_**: Yes, it would be a… rather interesting sight to see, don't you agree Yuna?

**_Yuna_**: Well… ::_laughs_:: I think we put Sir Auron through enough for today. ::_winks at Auron_::

**_Auron_**: ::_mouths a 'thank you'_:: Well, I shall be going then. ::_leaves_::

**_Yuna_**: …Until next time, Sir Auron. ::_cackles evilly_::

**_Everyone else_**: ::_gawks_::

**_Yuna_**: What? The X-2 script told me to be more outgoing. ::_shrug_::

A few days later…

**_Auron_**: ::_opens package that he received in the mail_:: What the…? ::_mumbles_:: Yuna, Tidus, Tidus and Wakka, Rikku, Rikku and Yuna and Lulu, Me, Yuna… Where's Kimarhi? KIMARHI DIDN'T SING?! KIIIIIIIMAAAAAAARHIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!

On the foot of Mt. Gagazet…

**_Kimarhi_**: ::_smiles_::

* * *

Um… yeah. I was really bored. And Kimarhi really wasn't in the FFX Vocal Collection… so I figured this was the reason why. Eh, please review?


	3. Make Haste

I live again! XD Yes, I'm still alive, and my sense of humor has not changed much, though I'm now in college. Enjoy the third chapter! Took me forever 'cause writing in script form was just SO MUCH EASIER!

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**Ch. 3: Make Haste**

Tidus walked into a tree. Surely, he hadn't meant to walk straight into the large trunk that stood before him, but unfortunately, he had no choice. The player currently wielding the controller was what one would probably call a "n00b" to the Final Fantasy world and the gaming world in general. So Tidus walked into a tree, what else is new?

"You know… if you'd just understand that if pressing _up_ gets me a face full of tree," Tidus angrily mumbled to himself as his face once again met with the bark of the tree, "then _maybe_ pressing _left_ would get me to follow the damn path."

"You gotta be patient, ya?" a voice chimed from the depths of his pant pockets. "Not everyone is a fast learner. Playing a video game isn't like blitzball. It takes time, ya know?"

Tidus glared down at his left pocket, where the orange-haired pudgy blitzball player temporarily resided. "Wakka, you're not the one who has to compensate for this player's stupidity. I mean, even _you_ can figure out that pressing left would make me move toward the path, and you're _Wakka_."

"'Course I'd know, ya. …Press left on what?"

A heavy exasperated sigh sounded from the other pocket followed by Tidus's quick response of "Nevermind." To his surprise, Tidus had finally moved onto the path and was running smoothly on the path without any real problems. He had the sudden urge to pump his fist in the air, but found that his arms wouldn't do anything more but sway back and forth beside his body as he ran towards wherever the player was directing him. Not that he was complaining; it would seem that the player had finally gotten used to the controls of the game and was leading Tidus to his destination in the _middle_ of the path where no trees obstructed his way.

Just when things seemed to be going all so smoothly, the screen cracked and shattered. The infamous battle music of Final Fantasy X chimed in the background as Tidus found himself legs spread, a large shaft in his hand, and pumping his fists as he…

…got ready for battle. You thought it was going to be something dirty, didn't you? You bad, bad reader, you…

Tidus's eyes widened as he realized the situation he was in. "Oh no… I'm not doing this by myself," he said as he reached deep into the depths of his large side pockets to pull out his friends one by one. Since the game wouldn't allow them to run behind him when he was in the field (ala Final Fantasy VIII), they had to stay with him somehow. Fortunately for the guardians plus one summoner, Tidus has pockets of endless abyss. Where else do you think he would keep 2,324,356,686 gil, 23 customized swords, and all those potions after 80+ hours of game play?

After fishing around his pockets for some time, he felt the smooth rubber of Wakka's blitzball and held a strong grip as he pulled the large man out of his pocket. "Wakka… good. You can help out with the annoying flying bird things," Tidus commented as he pumped his fists in the air. "Oh, cool! I can do it on my own again!" Tidus happily pumped his fists a couple more times to savor the moment before shoving his hands in his pockets once again and fishing for his other companions.

He felt the fuzzy feeling of fur and grinned. "I'm gonna need your black magic against those flans, Lul—" Tidus was cut short as he found himself having grabbed a large blue cat-like creature from his pockets and is now staring at it face to face. The Ronso smiled at Tidus, sending chills up and down his spine.

"Uhhhhh…" Tidus stuttered, "S-s-sorry, Kimarhi… but uh… have you seen Lulu in my pants?" He blushed bright red as he suddenly realized his mistake. "Wait, no, I didn't mean in my pants, I meant—" He was cut short once again as a large breasted woman emerged from within the depths of his trousers.

"I'm here," said Lulu. Tidus sighed in relief and gave Lulu a thumbs-up before turning to face Kimarhi. He gulped and prepared to face the Ronso.

"Uh… Kimarhi?"

The Ronso gave no response.

"You can… go back now. We already have a three-man team, you don't have to…"

Still no response from the Ronso.

"Can you just get back in my pants now, Kimarhi?" Tidus blurted out, before wincing at his words as he realized what he just said.

The Ronso smiled.

Tidus', Wakka's and Lulu's faces contorted into a couple dozen different expressions of disgust. Not seeing any other way out of this situation, Tidus walked over to Kimarhi and opened up his pocket as wide as he could.

"Just… hurry up..." Tidus looked away and closed his eyes as the large blue cat-like creature climbed his way back into the blitzball ace's pants. Tidus' entire body shuddered at the thought of Kimarhi in his pants, but pushed the horrid thought to the back of his mind as he prepared to face the fiends in front of him.

"All right! Let's get started!" exclaimed a hyper Tidus. He pumped his fist in the air and got back in a battle stance. "Wakka! Blind that bird!"

"Got it!" Wakka replied as he prepared a Dark Buster for the flying fiend before him. A surge of energy surrounded Wakka's body as he looked up and chucked his blitzball at the fiend. A black cloud of smoke shielded the bird's field of vision temporarily. Happy with his successful blind, Wakka flashes Tidus a smile. "I'm good, ya?"

Tidus returned a grin and exclaimed, "Yeah! It's my turn now. Let's speed this up a bit!" With that boast, Tidus gathered up his energy to prepare a Hastega spell. Once ready, he threw his hand in front of him to cast the spell and felt his heart rate speed up and the rest of his body speed up with him. He looked around at his teammates and noticed that their bodies have begun to move faster as well.

Wakka, with blitzball in armpit, was wiping his nose at five wipes per second. Again and again, his hand would reach up to his face and smear the snot across his nostrils, as if he had horrible allergies and was frolicking through a field of flowers or he was a coke addict. Either way, he did not look well. Wakka's nose had already gotten accustomed to an interesting shade of red.

Lulu's nose, on the other hand, was free of abuse. The body part that had her frustrated at the moment was… her chest area. _Breasts_ to be exact. Even when she was moving at a normal pace, once in battle, those guns would jiggle and wiggle as if they were gelatin on a trampoline. Now that she has been affected by a Haste spell, those monsters were unstoppable…

Tidus could feel a drop of blood travel down his nostrils as he stared intently at Lulu's jiggly-wiggly boobies. Wakka's nose was bleeding as well, however no evidence of blood was left on his face for he was still wiping his nose at five wipes per second and his nose now resembled a freshly picked strawberry, seeds/blackheads and all.

"Yeah! Now we can kick some fiend butt!" Tidus exclaimed at a normal pace as his fists pumped before his face in a flash. He waited patiently for the next move to be made, as his body swayed swiftly to and fro. After a few moments, he was still swaying in the same spot. He looked to Wakka and Lulu, and noticed that they, too, have not moved from their spot either. The fiends were still lined up neatly before them and patiently waited. Confused, Tidus looked behind him at the CTB, and realized that it should now be Lulu's turn. He glanced at Lulu, who gave him an exasperated sigh in response.

"It appears we may be stuck here for a while…" she said.

"…Why?" Tidus asked. He couldn't understand why the player couldn't pick the next move. All the spells that he had cast were logical; it would seem that the player finally understood how to play the game properly. So then… why haven't they made a move yet?

Wakka was the first to answer Tidus' question. "Oh yeah," he stopped to wipe his nose, "I remember now," he said. "That player had quite a bite to eat earlier."

Tidus' curiosity was flatulent. He couldn't pick out the silent but deadly meaning behind those words. He was starting to becoming irritated at Wakka for not simply cutting the cheese and getting to the point. Tidus wanted a clear explanation and had the strong urge to rip one out of Wakka, but unfortunately, he cannot move without the player inputting the controls.

"Damnit, Wakka, what is it? Why aren't we moving?" Tidus' expression betrayed his impatience as he did his best to look somewhat threatening without the ability to move the rest of his body out of its swaying motion.

Wakka smiled sheepishly and said, "Well, he had a pretty big bean burrito for lunch earlier when he was loading up the game…"

Wakka didn't even have to finish his thought before Tidus' eyes started to widen. He was speechless; no words could describe the pure terror running through his veins that moment. A million thoughts were speeding through his mind: how to get out of this situation, how much longer was he doomed to watch Wakka smear his snot across his forearm and Lulu's melons bouncing with every sway of her body, and how much blood was he going to lose out of his nostrils from watching said melons.

At the end of all the contemplation, only one word went through everyone's minds, including the player's.

Shit.

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Wow, I just noticed that the first chapter ended with crap, too. XD Perhaps there's a pattern developing. Please review!


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